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Humor: Take a break, since it’s ‘Cooling’ day

I came across a funny article on Facebook. It’s humorous and intelligently suggestive. Enjoy:

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Hi. My name is Tay Lide. I am 24 years old this year, and currently an undergraduate student. I am not a scholar, I am not a leader in any CCA, I am not the editor of the campus newspaper. But I weigh almost 100kg.

I come before you with a humbled heart. This may perhaps be the hardest decision of my life, but I am going to take the step.

Too long have we focused on the irrelevant issues of ministerial salaries, housing prices and government arrogance. It is time that we turn our eyes on THE most pressing issues. Those that matter to the hearts of all Singaporeans.

Over the past two decades, I have seen a steady decline in our standards of living. Kids are getting obese, like me, the elderly are growing bellies, but both age categories are becoming more and more upset with the state of our nation. Something has to be done. I implore you to look around yourselves, and ask what has led to such a degradation of our society. Personally, I stay in Bishan, where the problem is probably the worst and most deep-rooted of all.

I shall hold you up no further. The dire problem at hand that plagues the whole of Singapore is

The lack of good food.

In the past twenty years, I have seen my favourite stalls close one after the other. Some have accomplished much with their woks, and moved on to live prosperous lives. Others are simply too old, and decide that it is time to retire to a home away from the stoves. Yet nothing is being done to ensure the sustainability of this industry. I blame this most on the incumbent government. Their incessant decisions of upgrading and development have embroiled the hawker community in a state of turbulence. Every time we allow a hawker centre to be refurbished and renovated, we lose a few good men (and women).

I give you the example of Chomp Chomp Food Centre, situated in Serangoon Gardens, under Aljunied GRC. Chomp Chomp used to be food mecca. Even the Eskimos came here to try out Satay Bee Hoon. But today, Chomp Chomp has become nothing more than just another heaty and oily plot of land. The char kway teow of old has become chao tar, the sumptuous porridge has become mere sludge and the satay… I can’t even bring myself to talk about the state of satay in Chomp Chomp.

Recently, I met an elderly lady at a void deck during my house visits. As she held my hand, I felt her trembling as her tears began to stream and wet my very nice leather shoes. She recounted her happy days when she could simply walk downstairs to the nearest kopitiam, and enjoy a good bowl of wanton mee. Even when she got sick of it, she could turn to prawn mee, nasi padang, or the occasional splurge on tze char.

But today, none of these excellent foods exist in her vicinity any longer. She is left with one measly mixed vegetable rice stall, which she survives on for about 10 meals a week. The food is never right: too salty one day and too bland the next. The rice is dry and hard, hurting her gums as they grind between her oral cavity and her dentures, but she has no other choice but to force herself to continue eating. For she, like the rest of us all, has to place survival first, and her taste buds second. Due to the lack of good food, her husband left her, and her children moved to another housing estate. Although they live just nearby in Toa Payoh, they are simply too occupied with queueing up for Koi Bubble Tea to come home and take care of their mother.

This is a serious problem that severely affects us all. A hungry man is an angry man. But a hungry man who eats bad food is nothing short of a honey badger (Search YouTube for honey badger if you don’t know what that is. Tsk.) The problem looks to be spreading rapidly. Soon, we may find ourselves facing the worst lack-of-good-food situation that Singapore has never seen before.

But I have a dream. The dream isn’t very important.

I am establishing a new political party, known as the Crazy Appetite Party, or CrAP for short. Our party seeks to advance the lives of all Singaporeans, such as to establish a more sated nation.

Our party logo consists of an abstract dinner plate, represented by a blue circle (which is the most common design on dinner plates) and a fork. The fork is the icon of our hopes of digging in to good food. The fork is pointed downwards, because that is how forks are used. The fork looks as if it is moving in a swift motion, a result of our intern’s suggestion that we angle the fork slightly.

I have sought out grassroot leaders like Moses Lim and KF Seetoh to campaign with me, even though they prefer meats to grass. Also on our team are Felicia Chin and Rui En, because they are chio Singaporeans. There are no other reasons. Judging from how people think that even Nicole Seah and Glenda Han are chio, we should stand a good chance of winning those votes in our favour.

I have decided to implement a few changes, if we are to be voted into government. I will go into extremely intricate details, as I anyhow outline them one by one.

Reduce Ministerial Salaries

Clearly, 3 million SGD a year is overdoing it. But 200 free buffets a year should do it.

Stringent Ministerial Requirements

Utilizing scholars and high-achievers are elitist. Ensuring they have a BMI of over 30 isn’t.

Rising Housing Prices

Housing prices in Singapore should be pegged to the cost of Australian pork. Young couples seeking to start their new homes will be offered varying discounts, dependent on your haggling with the butcher.

Grow and Share Packages

If we are to grow and share, it has got to be McDonald’s latest Double Chicken McGrill. Low weight families will be given more McDonald’s coupons, and high weight families will be given even more.

The Need for Opposition Voices in Parliament

Opposition voices are vital to democracy. They must be heard. So we promise to listen hard, even while they are stuffing their faces with free Geylang Beef Hor Fun, which will be provided at every parliamentary session.

Dangling Upgrading Carrots

There are two serious problems to this. Firstly, every time we upgrade, some of our best hawkers decide to call it a day. Secondly, who likes carrots anyway? Remember, we are a pro-meat party.

Influx of Foreign Talent

While Singapore has enjoyed international cuisine for the longest time, some foreign cooking are clearly not welcome. Nobody queues for the Szechuan Delights stall in Canteen 2, or Beijing Fengwei in Canteen B. It is inherently obvious that such foreign talent is no longer welcome on our shores.

Dealing a Blow to the GRC System

The primary aim of this motion is to ensure that lesser candidates are not able to ride on the coattails of senior candidates into parliament. Firstly, senior candidates must wear coats without any coattails. Secondly, slippery pudding will be applied onto the hands of all junior candidates, so that they cannot grip properly.

Widening Food Standard Gap *Edited*

Many among our electorate have approached me with concerns about the fast increasing food standard gap. As aforementioned, I live in Bishan. There is only one good chicken rice (Kim San Leng) and one good nasi padang (Bishan St 11 kopitiam). It is to my understanding that there are other fellow Singaporeans suffering in Woodlands and Yio Chu Kang. Rest assured that this will be prioritized as one of my greatest concerns. Income gap? What the heck is income gap?

Increase in GST *Edited*

Many fear that GST will be hiked up to 10% after these elections. I would like to appeal to all citizens to not worry. GST will be cut to zero for all food items. Afterall it’s Goods and Services Tax, not Foods and Sushi Tax.

Rising Cost of Living *Edited*

Many of our elder voters have expressed concerns that their kopi-o prices have increased over the past few Lunar New Years, only to never see them return to their original cost. There has been a method of cutting costs that mothers have been using. Start bringing around your own 3-in-1 coffee, and con the kopitiams into giving you free hot water. The model excuse would be, “I need to make milk for my baby.”

Renaming Singapore’s Constituencies and Estates *Edited*

If we are to successfully drive Singapore through this revolution without getting slapped, Singapore must rebrand itself as the rightful food haven it is. A few suggestions are as follows:

  • Bishan – Beefshan
  • Nee Soon – Bee Hoon
  • Tiong Bahru – Tiong Bak Hu
  • Pioneer – Pieneer
  • Potong Pasir – Potong Ice-cream
  • Pasir Ris – Pasir Risotto
  • Macpherson – Macdonalds
  • Tanjong Pagar – Tanjong Agar Agar (contributed by 沧桑)
  • Paya Lebar – Kaya Lebar (contributed by 沧桑)
  • Raffles Place – Waffles Place (contributed by 沧桑)
  • Boon Lay – Boon Lay’s (contributed by 沧桑)
  • Sentosa – Samosa (contributed by Ernest Sim)
  • Jurong – Lontong (contributed by Zhen Jie)
  • Woodlands – Foodlands (contributed by Zhen Jie)
  • Clementi – Lemon Tea (contributed by Liang32)
  • Sembawang – Sambalwang (contributed by Leeson)
  • Thomson – Tomyam (contributed by wahkau)
  • Holland Village – Horfun Village

*Edit* Some have been asking about my track record. I shall be publishing my health booklet as soon as possible. Hopefully I am not 35 seconds too late.

As I leave you on cooling off day, I implore you to keep your food warm. One of the worst cases of murder that we have learnt about letting food cool off is the terrible factual report on Goldilocks and the Three Bears (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Story_of_the_Three_Bears).

Coincidentally, ponder carefully on the importance of your vote. 民以食为天. You are voting not only for your future, but also your chillren’s future and your chillren’s chillren’s future.

Remember, your vote is secret. There is nothing to be afraid of. Vote for change.

Thank you.

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